Fade into the darkness.

Sunday, July 20, 2008, 12:31 AM

start of my end

everything flashed back yesterday when im on my way to our duty area from lunch suddenly his parents saw me, nilingunan pako.. do they know me? know me as his what?? kaybigan? past? do we have our past ba tlga? wait how will i end this if it never started?? f*ck so many questions lingers on my mind right now.. i became unsure of everything, everythings became unclear, i have this unwanted feelings... wait,no, not yesterday since late may pa.. i had my first relapse last june, when i talked about him with my friend.. everything,, lahat became fresh again, my scar has been scratch, i allow it to bleed.. again...

im sick of tired of the same old mind game, puzzle or whatever this is... whos waitng who?? do i have to wait in vain with faith?? sound like bull sobra.. was it his lies? are those lies? or maybe its me... maybe ako yung may kaslanan.. i would want to believe that..

FAITH?! i have this since you graduated,, this prevented me from falling with somebody else, somebody who is more you, less you, or just like you... but they have this common problem, they're not you.. kinikilig ako sa iba, nagkagusto ako sa iba, but then my faith and my love for you prevented me from falling in love..

my love is so damn deep, i could die if you say so.. but its meaningless now, its meaniless since then.. ive been hopeless romantic, living in your sweet lies,, leaving on your fucking promises.. alam ko masyado pa tayong bata noon,, not mature.. even the two of us dont know if that was love.. but i assured myself that that was love,, that this is love..., if this is not love why do it keeps me breathing?? why do it let my heart beat?

so many realization came on my mind since then,, i just have to get rid of this, lahat my katapusan even superheroes right??

fighting it wont make any difference from bailing it.. its the same.. wala akong makukuha.. its just have to be NOT you.. i have so much love to give but im not sure kung sayo ko pa yun mabibigay... give up man or fight for it pareho lang mangyayari..

when you and her broke up because of distance, i was shocked.. i know how much you love her, i can see that, everybody can justify that..specially your cousins.. but why do you let distance be in your way?? thats it? give up ka agad? i know i dont have the right to judge you love.. im not in any right and position to do so.. akala ko nagmahal ka.. everybody told me that you can give up everything just to be with her, even your music? even your dream to be a physician? everything.. pero bakit siya ang ginive up mo?? i was crashed when i heard that, ganun mo siya kamahal.. but why?... i guess ill let DESTINY explain why..

hindi sa umaasa ako.. pero panu pag tayo? then ill be in abroad working then you'll take your med school wuld distance make us possible? or just like your previous relationships it will just END up like this.. i dont want it to end, i want to grow old with you, take care of you and our family and your parents, i want our sons to play Golf with my Dad. i want our daugthesr to wear thier hijab as early as possible.. i want you to teach them music, teach them math.. everything that you are good of.. i want to make my special chicken adobo and serve it to you.. i want us to be forever.. that was my sweetest dream.. but it all vanished.. GONE...FOREVER
i have decided, ill end my love,, this is just hallucination... youll always be a part of me.. but my faith in my love,, or even my love.. its just have to GO.. ill take it like JOHN NASH way.. my hallucination of my love for you will always be there, pero hangang doon nalang yun.. deactive love... ill take my medicines to keep me away from my relapses..

i told myself na wala akong natutunan sa psychia rotation.. lahat ng crisis na encounter ko, emotional, financial sa PSA hehe, physical? and even spiritual. i had my deepst depression na at first di ko kinaya, sumuko ako, ayoko na, i had one day vaca at coatabato and i decided not to come back.. DAVAO city, everything here pains me.. hellish pain that can kill me., they told me that im not strong.. everyday i had my crying session thats how depress i am.. but here i am taking chances, figthing.. IM NOT WEAK....thanks to my real friends they made me realize my worth.. i learned, realize and became so happy in this rotation.. i know now how far can my love go, it can go as far as FOREVER but with whom? ewan... definetly not superman...

THIS S MY END..